Things that hurt most
by Aeriel Cross
Summary: The fact that Roy had failed to protect Maes was enough for him to regret a lifetime...
1. To stay strong

Title: To stay strong

Characters: Maes/Roy

Rating: PG

Summary: During the Ishbal war when Roy killed Winry's parents and is now suffering the aftermath of his actions and Maes watched him break...

Roy had once again, sub-consciously stumbled into the room again. He stood before the place where the bodies of the doctors had previously lay, the bloodstain dark and prominent on the floor. All to clearly, he remembered how they had looked at him before he shot them, how he had held the gun, and pulled the trigger to watch their bodies jerk as the bullets tore mercilessly into them, how their life's blood slowly seeped out to form a crimson pool around them, their bodies already turning cold...

The guilt and the pain sliced through him even through his drunken state of mind, as the bottle he was drinking from fell from his numb fingers. If anything, he wanted to be far away, as far away from this pain as possible. An impulse seized him, and he scrabbled at his holster for his gun, but it was empty. It must be Maes. He either hid it or stole it from him when he wasn't looking, afraid that Roy would do something stupid left on his own, which Roy probably will. And a good thing too, Roy thought. Nowadays, the idea of having the cool barrel against his head and pulling the trigger was by far too tempting. If Maes hadn't hid his gun, he probably would have been dead already. He saw the room spin before his eyes, and fell sideways, putting out a hand to the wall to steady himself, and retched dryly. 'I..didn't want this to happen...' he sobbed dryly as he staggered out of the room.

As Maes walked through the corridor back to the room he and Roy shared, he couldn't help but think about the pitiful state that Roy was in nowadays. No one wanted to be in the Ishbal war, but none of them had a choice. He saw how his friend break, and he knew even if Roy ever recovered from this, he will never be the same Roy again. The Ishbal war had taken something from everyone, and no one was left unscarred. Reaching the door, he put a hand on the brass knob, hesistating. He was most worried for his friend, ever since he saw him standing over the dead doctors, gun smoking, clearly horrified and shaken by what he'd just done. Horrified. That was the exact word to describe Roy, when the truth and impact of what he had just done crashed down upon him, suffocating him, killing him. They were innocent and unarmed, and all they wanted to do was to help...Later, he had found Roy sitting on the edge of his bed, half undressed, eyes blank with a gun in his hand. He hadn't even noticed Maes' presence, and thank goodness that Maes was there. Roy had suddenly raised the gun to his head and Maes had knocked it out of his hands just in time as it went off. _I can't take it anymore..._Roy had told him.

Twisting the knob, he opened the door easily. By right it should be locked, but Maes was afraid of what Roy could do to himself alone in a locked room- no one will be able to save him in time then. Roy said that it was alright now, but Maes had his doubts. When he stepped into the dark, dimly lit room, he saw Roy on the ground, asleep, curled up, but his face was pale and he was breaking out in a cold sweat, a pained and anguished expression on his face, fists clenched, moaning something inaudible.

_'Roy!!_' Maes was by his side in an instant, then relaxed slightly when he realised his friend was merely asleep. But only slightly.

'Roy, wake up, Roy...' Maes shook the man's shoulder gently, noting privately that Roy was clammy to the touch. 'It's just a dream, Roy. Wake up!!' He shook him roughly, but Roy only whimpered a sound that turned Maes' blood cold. 'Please...no...it wasn't my fault...i didn't want...' Roy mumbled, begging. Maes knelt there, stunned, gritting his teeth in anger. the Roy he knew never begged, and neither did he whimpered. The Roy he knew was a proud and arrogant bastard, so sure and confident of himself...he was never weak. Never this weak. The war has gone too far, taken too much already. It was unfair, but did they have a choice? No. If he wasn't careful, it might claim his friend too. 'Roy!!' he started slapping his friend lightly on the face in an attempt to wake him, but when that didn't work, Maes reached over and got a glass of water from the cabinet and emptied it over Roy's face. 'Um...aargh!!' Roy sat bolt upright, gasping, shaking the water from his hair like a dog, looking angry, then saw Maes squatting beside him, empty glass in hand.

'Maes!!!' He yelled angrily. 'What was that all about!!!'

Maes didn't act up on that, but sat down on the floor next to Roy, setting the glass down with a clinking sound on the floor, then fixed Roy with a stern look.

'Tell me, Roy. Why did you lie to me? You said that you was getting better...that the nightmares weren't bothering you anymore. Why, Roy?' He asked gently.

Roy stared at him, his face an expression that Maes couldn't put a finger on, then slumped and the blank look returned to his eyes, as if all the strength has just gone out of him.

'I...it was horrible...' Roy finally confided. 'I kept dreaming of all those people...of all those i killed...they were coming back...to kill me, to blame...'

'So it's been getting worse.'

'It has,' Roy admitted, looking away. 'I can't stand it anymore, i can't take it!! It's too much for me...it wasn't supposed to turn out this way. This wasn't what i wanted!! I didn't want to...didn't want to...' Roy broke down, holding his head between his hands, and gave a dry sob. For he wanted, he wanted to cry, but tears just wouldn't come.

Maes studied his friend quietly, then patted him on a shoulder. 'I know, Roy, i know. No one wanted to do this at all, but no one has a choice...' 'I..' Roy looked up, and Maes was looking down at him from where he was standing, a hand extended towards him. Roy took it, and Maes pulled him to his feet. Roy stood up, and brushed the dust off his uniform, looking at the ground. He was tired, so tired. It was just so easy to give up, to give in...but...

He felt his hands being taken by someone and looked into Maes' eyes. Maes sighed, then gripped Roy's hands, which were still shaking tighter.

'Look here, Roy. Can you still remember what you set out to do? You joined the military to be Fuhrer, so you can put a stop to such things that are happening here. Remember what you see, remember what you feel, Roy. Remember them when you become fuhrer. Remember why you are here. Do you want to put a stop to these...problems that are raging on around us? Do you want to just give up like that, and this things will forever be continuing , never ending? If you really want to help, then you must bear it!!' Maes almost felt like shaking Roy to make him wake up. 'If you still want to help these people, then you must wake up!! You cannot just stand here and do nothing while the others go on!!! I remember you have a mission to accomplish, don't you? Didn't you tell me that you were prepared for anything that come your way then? What happened to that promise? What will happen to that mission you so wanted to accomplish? You can't just stay immobile like this, you have to move on!!'

Roy looked away, frowning. 'Look, i know it hurts, Roy,' Maes continued, but in a much softer tone. 'It hurts me too, but if it is the only way i can get what i want done, it's the only thing i can do. This is only what i can do for you- to stand by your side and to remind you whenever you strayed off the path. there's nothing else more, but if things get to bad, there's always me...'

'I know, Maes...i know that it must be done...it's just that...' Roy smiled weakly, and passed a hand over his eyes. 'Oh...i can't be weak like this..and i thought i was incapable of crying...'

Maes drew Roy into an embrace, and Roy cried on his shoulder, quietly. 'Only now, Maes...' Roy choked quietly. 'Only for now...i promise i won't forget agian, Maes.'

'Anything, Roy. I'll always be here for you if ever you need me. If i need to go to extremem methods of making you wake up, i will. For now, though, i guess it's okay to slack off for a minute.'

Roy broke the embrace and smiled, though the tired lines in his face remained. 'Including me getting a faceful of water from you?'

'If that's what it takes, Roy. Anything to make you realise. Because i'm always here for you, no matter what.'

Roy smiled, and throwing an arm around his friend, walked him out of the room, and began to talk about things that they will do when he became Fuhrer. Little did he realise then how serious and heavy Maes' words had been.

_Anything to make you realise, Roy. If that's what it takes...i will…_

Writer's note: This is section a of the fanfic. There's still a lot more ( the sequels ). Great friendship, don't you think? SOOO SWEET!!! AAHH! Pity Maes died. And excuse, there is no love included here -.- If you think there is, i suggest you go see a doctor...-.-''

Coming up next: No need for assistance


	2. No need for assistance

Title: No need for Assistance  
Anime: Fullmetal Alchemist  
Pairings: Roy/Maes  
Rating: PG  
Summary: Maes watches as Roy changes over time after the Ishabalan war and feels proud of him.

Disclaimer: I don't own FMA. Though i sincerely wish i did.

'Lieutenant!! What's the meaning of this!!' Roy could be heard yelling in his office, and Maes resisted a laugh as he heard that. From what he knew, Riza Hawkeye had just walked in with an enormous stack of papers waiting to be completed.

'It's today's work, Sir. Expected to be completed...today,' was Riza's calm answer, as always. Cool and unperturbed. Nothing could ruffle that woman, really, unless some news of Roy's death which probably won't happen in another ten years reaches her.

'Argh...need you be so hard on me? I can't complete this by today!!' Roy groaned.

'Sir.' Riza's voice took on a sharp edge, and roy said hurridedly. 'Of course, lieutenant, of course. I'll finish by today...if i can.'

'You better,' replied Riza, as Maes opened the door and sauntered in, the all-knowing smile that had always irritated Roy plastered on his face. 'Sir,' Riza saluted. 'At ease, at ease,' Maes waved as he moved over to plonk himself down on one of the couches in Roy's office. 'Just came over to visit the old guy.'

'Hm,' Riza said. 'Please make sure that Colonel Mustang doesn't slack in his work for me, then.' Maes grinned when he saw Roy give Riza his 'death glare', one that he always had whenever new work arrives on his table.

'I will,' grinned Maes. 'I'll make sure he finishes his...well, impressive stack of papers today. If anyone can sign that much, that is.'

Riza smiled softly, then saluted again and left the room. Maes turned his attention then to Roy, who was scratching his head, staring dubiously at the enormous pile of papers teetering dangerously on his table. 'Maybe one day,' roy finally declared, running a hand desperately through his already messy hair. 'This papers will fall on me and kill me, and the end.'

'Takes a lot more than just papers to kill you, old mate,' Maes drawled, boredly examining his fingernails. 'If papers can kill you, you'll be dead already before even the Ishbal War.'

'Eh...the Ishbal war, hmm?' Roy shook his head as he thought back to the past, when bodies strewn all over the place on bloodied ground have already been a common sight. Many alchemists and soldiers then had already become accustomed to the sight, but somehow, Roy had let it get to him and let the sight torment him for every second of his life. 'I don't recall doing any paper work there...but i do remember burning things more than paper there.' He laughed bitterly as he picked up his pen and started on the topmost sheet of paper on his perilous stack of work. 'What did you come to look for me for, Maes? As you can see, i'm quite busy today.'

'Nothing, Roy. I just came because i had basically nothing to do right now and i'm bored, and i can't go home yet because it's not time yet.'

'Fine, but don't try to bother me, because i really have to finish this,' he gestured to the still waiting pile of work beside him. 'Or i face my lieutenant's gun, which i rather not.'

'Sure,' Maes chuckled, reinclining comfortably on the couch. 'As you like. I won't bother you.' Roy soon fell silent, other than the scratching of his pen on paper, and Maes fell to comparing the Roy now to the past Roy.

'Ah, Roy, you have changed so much,' Maes thought to himself as he surveyed Roy through his spectacles, who was deep in concentration, brows knitted, poring over this document in front of him, hand poised to sign. He was a figure of authority, and of confidence, someone you can be sure to trust and rely on. How different was he now compared to the past.

If Maes remembered correctly, in the past, Roy used to wander and stray from the path that he had drawn out for himself, sometimes forgetting and losing himself in his 'quest' to become Fuhrer. Back then, Roy had been playful, and mischeivous. He wasn't really someone that you can totally rely on then. He was all in all, to the other's eyes, just another alchemist who was just newly introduced to the world, so proud and arrogant, sure that he could accomplish anything that he wanted to in the world. One could say that Roy was naive, then. Yes, he was naive. He didn't know what the world was really like out there, and seeing the truth had made him feel so disillusioned, all his visions of the world outside shattered.

It had been Maes job to remind him, to make sure that he remains on the right path, to encourage him whenever he gave up, to show him what is reality, in fact. His friend was always disillusioned by what he thought, and another weakness was, Roy was too gentle, too caring. One day it would be the cause of his death. Roy was too caring for his friends. If any of his subordinates were in danger, roy definitely wouldn't hesistate to run to the front line of battle to save them, even though it might put his life in danger. To Roy, even though he didn't show, his friends' lives came before his own. He didn't want anyone to get hurt while he acheived his goal. He didn't anyone else to be harmed other than him if it must be. Maes sighed. Roy can never understand that what he was doing, there was someone always bound to be hurt, whether he wanted it or not. But Roy refused to admit the fact, and always berated himself for it.

But the fact remains that roy has changed over the times. He was now more determined, more set in getting his goal. He no longer let things like death bother him and hinder him, which he did in the past. Roy was more resolved, and he had become stronger, somehow. More reliable. More trustworthy. He didn't know when the changed started, and how it happened, but now when he looked back, he knew that Roy has changed. So much that Maes was no longer needed to be there for him anymore.

Roy no longer needed Maes to remind him and to help him to acheive his goal. Maes understood that very well- Roy had already come to a point where he could be independent, and where he could actually get on with what he wanted without Maes already. All Maes could do now was to give him some help here and there, to give him information, and to say some of the good things to the superiors to aid him in getting a promotion, and that was all.

'So much has changed, Roy, and i guess, the day came that you no longer need my assistance,' Maes murmured to himself as he watched Roy sign yet another of his documents with a flourish and toss it aside. 'I guess you already no longer need my assistance.' 

Later that day, at night, before Maes was killed by Envy, through the pain and his fading vision, his last thought was,' I believe you can still go on without me, Roy. I believe you can-you have no need for me anymore...i'll be going first...i'm proud of you.' He saw the scenery before his eyes swim, the face of Gracia above him, smirking, so beautiful, but so cruel. 'Gracia...Alicia...' he whispered, as the world turned into total darkness...

But he didn't know that Roy still needed him badly, but it was already too late...

Author's note: Next coming up, it's things that hurt the most. Well, this story is kind of weird and stupid, but anyway...because tomorrow onwards the holidays are proceeding at a ast pace, so i won't be updating anymore until one month later, unless my mum releases me from the computer ban and if my computer is all well...so yeah. I hope you'll enjoy it. And i'll be working on the other stories, no worries!! So, adieu for now!! Hope you enjoyed it!!


	3. Things that hurt most

Title: Things that hurt most

Anime: Fullmetal Alchemist

Pairings: Roy/Maes

Summary: Roy finds Maes' box in their old hiding place.

Author: Alexandre

Disclaimer: I do not own FMA.

Author's Note: Haha…this story is based on SeaweedFMA's 'K is for Knife'…so once again, I want to thank her!!! Yippy. Now lets get reading.

Roy stood underneath the trees that was before the buildings that made up the central HQ. Looking up at the white imposing buildings, the flags flapping in the wind, then sighed and turned away. It has been a few months since Maes was killed, and the murderer was still at large. He has never forgotten that day. How could he? It seems that everyone wanted to die before he did. Never again, he vowed. I'll protect them.

A breeze ruffled his already messy hair, the leaves rustling behind him. He looked up at the bright sunlight filtering through the leaves, and was reminded of when he and Maes were still students, learning alchemy, and also when he was slacking during work, when Maes and himself came down here to get a breathe of fresh air away from the strictly disciplined atmosphere in the military offices. So carefree were the days back then, when they hardly took heed of anything else in the world other than themselves. Running a hand through his hair, he sighed. It was, in some way or other,


	4. R is for

Title: R is for...  
Anime: Fullmetal Alchemist  
Pairings: Maes/Roy  
Summary: A game of chess and an alphabet word game.

Disclaimer: I don't own FMA. Wish i really really did!!!

It was mid- afternoon, and since everyone had their day off, they all gathered in the Colonel's house ( for some unknown reason ), even Black Hayate. Roy had a spacious living room, and so it wasn't much of a problem accomodating the whole gang as they lounged around, Fuery looking idly out of the window, Felis and Riza scratching Black Hayate behind the ears on the couch, and Breda watching as Roy and Havoc playing chess.

No one really remembered who started it, but sooner or later, everyone was playing the alphabet game, even Havoc and Roy, though it meant that they must think even more other than chess. When they got to 'D', Roy had checkmated Havoc, and Havoc, who was determinedly not accepting defeat, had to restart again.

'E for elephant.'  
'Eccentric...'  
'Excellent.'

Roy moved his pawn forwards and captured Havoc's pawn. 'Hey!!' Havoc protested.

'Ground.'  
'Grime...'  
'Er, Goat,' Breda quirked a brow at the chess board before whispering something to Havoc, who grinned and moved his knight backwards. Two moves later, Roy's bishop was captured.

'Ice.'  
'Kebab.'  
'Numberical.'

By the time they had reached the 'R's, at least six games were exchanged between Roy and Havoc, with five wins to Roy and one win to Havoc. As he studied the board, Havoc realised that he was stuck. Either his knight would be taken, or his bishop.

'Regard.'  
'Respect.'  
'Regain.'

Roy captured Havoc's knight with his queen. 'Reverse,' Havoc muttered in turn. While Havoc pondered, Roy went through some thinkig of his own. 'Regret,' he said, the word coming to him naturally. It was what he'd constantly been going through. Of things what he was feeling, most of them belonged in the 'R's.

Remorse. Regret. Remembrance.

'Retrace.'  
'Re-try.'  
'Re-enter.'

As always, he never felt complete without Maes. It was as if a part of him has died with Maes, lost forever. In a way, it was true. He missed his friend's monkey antics and jokes, and him constantly reminding him to get married. 'Check,' Roy said as he moved his king forward, Havoc making a panicked, frustrated sound.

'Reality.'

'Roy, you don't have to go so hard on me, must you?' Havoc muttered. '...Rebel.'

'There's no such thing like mercy and compassion in a war. Check mate.' Roy tipped Havoc's king over with his own.

'It's time we moved on to the 'S' now...' Havoc said for a change of subjects.

Roy got up from his seat as Havoc cleared the chessboard for another game, not appearing to hear. That's right, in a game, there are always bound to be sacrifices. He had to sacrifice his knight to checkmate Havoc, just like how Maes was sacrificed. He knew that there wasn't much he could do about it. Other than...

'Revenge.'

The word was loud and clear in the almost silent room, and everyone turned to look at Roy. He was staring at the window, oblivious to the reaction fo the others, and there was this fierce, ruthless look in his eyes that made Riza shudder when she looked at her superior. She had seen him once like this beforem and it had frightened her. She could only hope that he wasn't planning something stupid.

'...Roy?' Havoc prodded cautiously.

R for revenge. That was the last thing he could do for Maes.

Author's notes: So how was it? Only one review so far?? Aw! Come on, and tell me!! Grrrr!!!! Coming up next, Letter.


	5. Letter

Title: Letter  
Anime:Fullmetal Alchemist  
Pairings: Roy/Everyone  
Summary: Roy's Fuhrer, and things are moving along...

Disclaimer: I still don't FMA...yet...

Roy stood in front of the window in his office, staring out at Havos who was downstairs playing snap with Black Hayate. At least three years has passed since he had beaten Bradley and uncovered his plans. Now he was Fuhrer in place of the homunculi Pride. He counted himself lucky that he was still alice, and so were his friends. Now that the homunculi was defeated, more and more plans of the military were uncovered, and through the three years, Roy had almost gotten a straight promotion to his current rank now. things were running the way he wanted them to be ( though not to Hawkeye's favour since he still slacks, the procrastinate ), the Elric brothers had resigned three months after the whole thing was over now that Alphonse had somehow gotten his body back ( though for Roy now his life seemed a little too drab ), and Havoc has finally gotten himself a girlfriend ( no guarantee she won't dump him like all the others before him ).

He had taken revenge for Maes, and he had acheived what he wanted. What now? He didn't feel particularly accomplished or elated, as he should have, but only a bone-deep tiredness. Revenge was taken, but what good does it do? He didn't know. A soft knock sounded from the door.

'Sir.' Roy turned from the window where Hayate had just succeeded in taking a bite out of Havoc's hand, to see Riza saluting him, and inevitable, another stack of documents in her arms.

Groan. 'I've just finished this stack...'

'No excuses, sir. Oh, and here's a letter for you.' Putting down the stack of papers on his desk and handing over the letter, she left.

Could it be from the Elric brothers? It had been some time since he had last heard from them. Opening the letter, he felt his breath catch at the sight of the familiar name he always saw on a grey tombstone.

'Maes, not you again...' Roy scratched his head and scowled. 'Aren't you supposed to be dead?'

Dear Roy,

If you get this letter, it means that i'm already dead, and i guess that about five years have passed then. I told Gracia to mail this for me if i die.

Hey Roy, i don't know if you've become Fuhrer yet, but if you have, then congratulations, mate!! Must be touch on you though, since the Fuhrer about overlooks everything. Just make sure lt. Hawkeye doesn't kill you. If not, you'll just have to keep working harder. I'm sure that with that much friends helping you, you'll get what you want in the end. I'm sorry i couldn't stay to help and watch you become Fuhrer. Well, don't be sad. You know that from the day we join the military, our uniform may well turn into our funeral suit at any one time. I'm just going first, dude. Don't make me wait too long.

Since i'm no longer there to watch you, you must be careful yourself. Don't get too agitated over certain things, and think before you act ( which you never do ).

'Since when am i but?' Roy asked the letter, leaning against the table.

But anyway, i'm glad to have known you, Roy. I wish you luck, and take care of Alyssia and Gracia for me.

Another knock on the door. 'Enter,' Roy said.

'Sir, someone's here to see you,' Riza smiled mysteriously.

'Hmm?' Roy raised his eyebrows as Riza stepped aside, and Edward, with a grin on his face, sauntered in, followed bu his brother.

'Hey, Colonel Bastard. How have you been, eh?' He grinned.

'That's Fuhrer for you, pipsqueak,' Roy answered as he put down the letter on his desk. 'I'm no longer Colonel.'

'To me you're always Colonel Bastard,' Edward drawled, shaking his head.

'And you're forever the red bean pipsqueak tinier than a-' Roy began.

'Who are you calling tiny like-' Edward began loudly.

'Brother!!!' Alphonse exclaimed.

'It's been a long time, Edward, Alphonse,' Riza smiled, feeling as if things were back to then.

'Yeah, and i've grown taller.' Edward glared at Roy, daring him.

'Oh really? And i just thought a dwarf came in through the door. Sure you grew taller, not shorter?' Roy raised an eyebrow, taunting.

'Hey-Edward and Alphonse's here!!' Havoc poked his head around the door, nursing a badly bitten hand to see what the commotion was all about. 'Hey guys-!!!

'Sheesh, this way no work's gonna get done today,' Roy sighed as Breda, followed by Felis, Havoc and the rest and barrelling in at the door. A happy reunion, he would say? But it was good to have Edward back, especially when-

'I've decided to come back!!' Edward announced. 'Life's too boring without Colonel Bastard.' A lot of cheering.

'Brother!!' Alphonse muttered. 'Don't be rude.'

'Then n this case...' Riza looked to her superior.

'Day's off then!! Let's go somewhere for a celebration!!' Roy gave in to the band.

'Hurray!!' Breda cheered at the thought of food.

'Let's go trash up his house after that!!' Edward chipped in. More cheering.

Roy shook his head as he pulled on his coat and followed the rest out admist the cheering and noise they were making. Now things were really back to then. 'Life's gonna be difficult again,' Roy thought to himself.

You'll always have friends around you. It doesn't really matter if i'm not there anymore, because they'll be there for you. Just hang in there and don't disappoint them, Roy. I'll be leaving first, bye!!

P.S: This letter might self-destruct in a few seconds.

Yours Sincerely,  
Maes Hughes

P.P.S: Get a wife soon.

[The end

Author's note: Nice, huh? I'll be adding up more fanfics, so if there's any requests, just ask me for it, okay? Okay? Say yes!!! See you again next time


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